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Here are some great jokes. And pickup lines.
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GREAT PICKUP LINES
1. Hey baby, why don't you sit on my lap, and we'll talk about the first thing that POPS up!!!
2. (motion for girl to come here with one finger), "If I can make you come with this finger, imagine what I could do with all five!"
3. Nice shoes, wanna fuck?
4. If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?
5. Fuck me if I'm wrong....but haven't we met before?
6. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?
7. I wanna use your thighs as earmuffs.
8. Are those real?
9. I may not be Fred Flintstone but I sure can make your bed rock.
10. (offer guy/girl a screw) wanna screw?
11. Ya know, that shirt is very becoming on you......of course, if I was on you, I'd be cumming too.
12. The word of the day is LEGS, so let's go to my house and spread the word.
13. The only place I want to go is south of the border.
14. Hey you want to know what I heard about you? Fuck me and I'll tell you.
15. Why don't you come over and we can do math in the bed; add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and I'll multiply.
16. What's a nice girl like you doing on a face like this?
17. Nice dress, can I talk you out of it?
18. Mmmmmmm, you bring new meaning to the word "edible"
19. So, do you want to see something really swell?
20. Excuse me but is your last name "Gillette"......cause you are the best a man can get!
21. Hey baby.....can you suck a golf ball through 50 feet of garden hose?
22. My shirt's chaffing me.....
23. Excuse me miss, do you give head to strangers? (No) Well, then,allow me to introduce myself.
24. They call me Milk, because I do your body good.
25. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
26. Hey baby, wanna wrestle.
27. Hi, do you want to have children? (assuming the answer is no) Ok then, can we just practice?
28. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
29. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
30. They say the best things in life are free....they lied( but I do accept American Express)
31. This Valentines Day, I really want you to know how I feel.....So you better use both hands.
32. You can feel the magic between us......No, lower!
33. You're on my mind this Valentine's Day.....I'd prefer you on my bed.
34. This Valentine's Day I want you to know that I'm head-over-heels for you....and I know some other positions too.
35. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
36. You have 250 bones in your body, want another?
37. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
38. Hey baby, can i tickle your belly from the inside?
39. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
40. Girl, if you were a porch I'd take out all the nails and screw ya.
41. Yo baby, I bust more nuts than a squirrel.
Cool Jokes
The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short
of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
******
Walsh is standing on the sidewalk when he sees a funeral procession coming down the street. There's a hearse, then a huge German shepherd, then about a hundred men in single file walking behind. Walsh asks the guy in front, Who died?" The guy says, "My ex-wife." Walsh says, "How?" The guy points and says, "That dog... my dog.. ate her." Walsh says, "Hey, I'd sure like to borrow your dog someday." They guy says, "Get in line."
******
Elsie the Cow and Ferdinand the Bull were on either side of a fence. Elsie the Cow gave him a wink and he leaped over the fence to her side.
"Aren't you Ferdinand the Bull?" she asked.
"Just call me Ferdinand. The fence was higher than I thought."
What do you call a guy who hangs around with 4 musicians?
- A drummer
How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
- 11: one to change to lightbulb, and 10 to stand around and tell you how Steve Gadd would have done it.
OR
- None: they have machines for that now.
When you see a Dixieland band, how can you tell which side the stage is tilting?
- Look which side of his mouth the banjo player is drooling out of.
How do you make a million bucks playing Jazz?
- Well, you start with two million....
A Jazz musician and a Rock musician were chatting, and the former asks "so how come you guys can afford all that PA gear you carry around with you?". "Well it's simple", said the Rock musician, "just think of all the money we saved on music lessons".
Never trust someone who says they like avant-garde Jazz. They'll probably lie about other things too.
The clarinet: an ill woodwind that nobody blows good.
Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
- It burns longer.
There are only two types of music: good music, and Country'n'Western.
A singer is looking for work, and hears at a gig available at a local club. She goes down and auditions with the house band. Everything is fine, and she gets the gig, subject to one condition. The leader of the band, the pianist, warns her that the owner of the club is very partial to the tune Blue Skies, and whenever he comes down to the club they have to play that tune. Do you know it? he asks. Well sort of, she says, but I can't quite remember the middle 8. No problem, says the pianist, I'll help you out when we get there. So anyway, her first night is going fine, and then the owner walks in. The pianist quickly nods to his fellow musicians, and the singer says but what about the middle 8?? Don't worry, says the pianist, I'll help you out when we get there. So they start playing Blue Skies, and the A section is fine, but then they get to the middle 8. The singer leans over to the pianist and looks expectant. The pianist leans back and whispers "D minor".
Let me know if you have any more!
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Here Are Some Quotes!
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8-30-97 ...
"Don't confuse me with the truth!"
- Rocko's Modern Life
"Do you always keep your animals in
Tupperware containers?"
- Conan O'Brien
"And soon I shall control
ALL THE ANVILS IN THE WORLD!"
- Animaniacs
8-29-97 ...
"If one synchronized swimmer drowns,
do the rest have to drown, too?"
- anonymous
"I can see into the future! That means I'm a psycho!"
-Angelica on RugRats
"New York's such a wonderful city, but at the library the guy was veryrude. I said I'd like a card. He said, 'You have to prove you're a citizen of New York.' So I stabbed him."
- Emo Philips
8-24-97 ...
"Be wary of alcohol. It can make
you shoot at tax collectors and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
"US planes have the capability to
penetrate deep into Soviet soil."
- General Rogers
of the US Military
"(panting) Three bears are after me! Something about some porriage... but remember- you know nothing ..."
- The Critic
8-21-97 ...
"Aww, yeah! You know I'm THE MAN!"
- Easy-E from an IRC log
"I didn't know she had the G.I. Joe kung-fu grip!"
- from a Sublime CD
(posted for Blacknight)
8-20-97 ...
"... where did we go wrong? We started out like
Romeo and Juliet but ended in tragedy..."
- Milhouse on the Simpsons
"The number four reason you've hired the wrong guy to build your swimming pool: you haven't seen your
cat since the foundation was layed ..."
- David Letterman
8-19-97 ...
"Wow... the universe is BIG!"
- The Tick
"Oh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm
the magical man! From happy land ! In a gum-drop
house with a gingerbread fence on lolli-pop lane!"
- Homer Simpson,
showing a hint of sarcasm
8-18-97 ...
"In America... first you get da sugar... den you get the power ... den you get da women!"
- Homer Simpson
in a Spanish accent
"Aww, good Hell beast! Come here boy! Aww, you're a good hell beast , yes you are , yes you are!"
- a comment from MST3000
8-17-97...
"Okay, you scrawny beanpoles! Listen up!
Getting an officer's badge is no picnic! It takes
one solid weekend of work to get this badge!"
-Chief Wiggam on the Simpsons
8-16-97 ...
T'is a blessed day ... good enough for some more Simpsons quotes
"I love you Doctor Zeauss!"
- Troy McClure
from the Simpsons
"Where's that music coming from?
And all that alcohol just appearing like that???"
- Marge Simpson on the
spontanious party break-out
"Homer: Hello. My name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have bwahaahaa letter for me.
Postal Worker: Ok, Mr. Burns. What's your first name?
Homer: I ... don't know ..."
- The Simpsons
8-15-97 ...
"Kill my boss?! Do I dare live out the American dream?"
- Homer Simpson
"I am NOT candy-coated and I do NOT
have a chewy center..."
- Elysabet
"There are two things I learned at the Spanish Institute of Agriculture: 1- never stand behind a cow ..."
- El Seed from The Tick
"Thanks for letting the kitten live this time!"
- Carrie Fisher thanking
the Kaiser in an IRC log
8-14-97 ...
For no reason, yet again, here are some Monty Python Quotes ...
"We're here for your liver"
- Monty Python's Meaning of Life
"Bloody Peasant!"
- Monty Python &
the Quest for the Holy Grail
"The mill's closed and there's no work. I have no choice
but to sell you all for scientific experimentations ..."
- Monty Python's Meaning of Life
"King Arthur: But I cut your bloody arms off!
Black Knight: ... it's just a flesh wound ...!"
- Monty Python &
the Quest for the Holy Grail
8-13-97 ...
"Support human autopsies - die strangely"
- a message from the
American Coroner's Association
"when i die, i'd like to go peacefully.
in my sleep.
like my grandfather.
not screaming,
like the passengers in his car..."
- anonymous poem
"Aye carumba! El gato es gigantico!!!"
- el muie Spanish seniore
8-12-97 ...
"Mob Guy: Hey, that's Troy McClure! I thought you bwahahahsaid he was 'sleeping with the fishes'
Fat Tony: In a sense. What I really meant was he has an bwahahahsexual abnormality that ...
Mob Guy: Argh! Boss, please, don't go any further...."
- The Simpsons
"Why would anyone want to live in a corn field?
You can't see over corn ..."
- lathari
"People come to america to escape religious
persecution but we just can't get rid of THOSE
DAMN EVANGELISTS trying to tell us we're wrong ..."
- mortack` (from an IRC log)
8-11-97 ...
"Our family has always avoided unwanted media exposure ... the pope has been lost in our hedge maze for a week
and we still haven't said anything ..."
- The Critic
"Old people shouldn't be loved. They should be isolated and studied so that we can find out if they posess any proteins or nutriants that can be used for our own needs ..."
- Homer Simpson
"Chinese people make fun of how undereducated American people are. Americans make fun of the way Chinese people sound when they talk. Only one is a stereotype."
- The Paragon of Pessimism
8-10-97 ...
Quotes guaranteed to Brighten Your Day ...
"I hate everyone and everything, there are some
things I just hate more ..."
- UniVac
"The Internet is not 70% pornography
like those closet pervert Republicans think.
The actual figure is somewhere around 60%"
- The Paragon of Pessimism
"If I had a penny for every time I've been told
I'll make something of myself in life ... I couldn't
buy anything, because our economy is shot and
due to inflation rates, in a few years I'll be
audited just for having money ..."
- Grand Kaiser
8-9-97 ...
For hates sake, I spit these Simpsons quotes at thee ...
"What have we done ?! We've given the word 'mob' a bad name ! Hey, I've got it! Let's go sing at the hospital!"
- The Not-So-Unruly Mob
on the Simpsons
"Gaze upon the mythological esquilax ... the horse, born with the head of a rabbit, and the body - of a rabbit!"
- Chief Wiggam from the Simpsons
"Mr.Burns: And they said I was mad when I bought Ticket bwahahaahaMaster, Smithers! Who says no one will pay wahahaaha a 100% service charge ?!
Smithers: It provides a good mix of the rich and the wahwahahignorant, sir !"
- The Simpsons
"Delivery Guy: Who ordered the London Symphony wahahaaha orchestra? Anybody ... Cypress Hill I'm looking wahahaaha in your direction ...
Cypress Hill: Uh, yah ... we ordered them ..."
- The Simpsons
8-8-97 ...
"My parents didn't want me... instead of a teddy bear,
they put a grizzly bear in my crib."
- Woody Allen
"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'nice doggie'
until you can find a rock."
- Will Rogers
"I've had a bad week ... someone has been stalking
me and sending me squeaky toys, my toe hurts, there are lawyers camping out in front of my house waiting for me to choke on those ham sandwiches they keep sticking through my mail slot, and I've just been picked to star as Tony Danza's part in a Who's the Boss? reunion ... oh yah, and my prozac stopped working yesterday ..."
- Grand Kaiser
"If everyone lived forever, where would we all park?"
- Deep Thoughts with Jack Handey
8-7-97 ...
For no reason, here are some good Star Wars quotes ...
"It's not wise to upset a Wookie!"
- Han Solo
"The number two reason you watch Star Wars
too much- you're love life is strictly 'Han-Solo',
if you know what I mean .."
- David Letterman
"Aaaarrrghhhh!!!!"
- Boba Fett's only line
in Return of the Jedi
"Take his wallet, Luke!"
- Saturday Night Live skit
"I bent my Wookie!"
- Ralph on The Simpsons
8-6-97 ...
"Happiness is a warm puppy"
- the giant Anaconda
"One hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong !"
- anonymous
(probably from an AOL commerical ...)
"Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it's worse when they are wearing dark glasses and have streamers and ornaments in their antlers because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot."
- Ellen DeGeneres
8-5-97 ...
"I think I've finally discovered a use for lawyers,
but I don't know how to get the proteins out of them ..."
- anonymous
"Illiterate? Write to the below address for help ..."
- Hooked on Phonics rip-off ad
8-4-97 ...
"People are idiots"
- Scott Adams
"If you're a cowboy and you're dragging some guy
behind your horse, I bet it would make you mad if you looked back and he was reading a magazine ..."
- Deep Thoughts with Jack Handey
"Why does the AT&T net service logo
look like the Death Star?"
- anonymous
8-3-97 ...
"... the number 5 reason that your spouse may
be having an affair over the computer -
The Giant Inflatable Disc-Drive..."
- David Letterman
"This is it ? Our arch-nemesis is a kitchen utensil ?!"
- Ninja Turtles
talking about Shredder
"I really don't think your opinion is any of my business ... but yes, babe does just about sum me up ..."
- submitted by Silver
8-2-97 ...
"No! I don't want you to cut my lawn anymore! You're no superhero! Go! Boo on you! Boo on you!"
- Freakazoid!
"I'm no Jack Nicholson, but I know
my way around the golf course!"
- Homer Simpson
"I find this new science most fascinating Sir Bedevere.How is it again that sheep's bladder may be used to prevent earthquakes?"
- Monty Python & the Holy Grail
8-1-97 ...
The Best Quotes from July 1997...
"I hate brocolli, and yet, in a certain sense... I am brocolli !"
- The Tick
"I'm mean ... leave me alone..."
- UniVac from an IRC log
"Dear Jay,
I think you are the sexiest man alive ... I am currently a resident of the New York Men's Correctional Institution ..."
- The Critic
"I wanna decide who lives and who dies!"
- Cro from MST3000
"A month is just a separation of days to keep us to keep us from upholding that old 'sacrifice on the 32nd day of the Month' Indian ritual ..."
- Grand Kaiser
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